No wonder we find metaphors about shepherds and sheep all throughout the Bible—here, in Jordan and the Holy Land, they are abundant. Just drive a bit outside Amman and you’ll see little boys cleaning their sheep in the river or an old man guiding his flock across the highway.
So it seemed quite appropriate with the Gospel reading at my last Mass at my English-language parish here spoke of the “good shepherd,” about the way God walks with us, and even carries us through life.
As I reflect on my time in Jordan and those I’ve met and come to love here, I realize that shepherds are even more plentiful than what I’ve seen in the Jordanian countryside. They are in my home and my university, in cabs and cafés. They have carried me during the last four months.
In the way that shepherds make a home for their flock in places that may be far away and new, my friends and family here have done the same for me.
When I was in Bethlehem recently, I bought a carved, wooden statue of Jesus carrying a small lamb. I was drawn to it because of the way in which it captured the way God has been with me throughout my time in Jordan—through those the shepherds who have sheltered me, feed me, and simply given me room to play and grow in this new place.
As I make my way back to the States, that statue will help me remember the shepherds I’ve met here, and the home that they will always provide for me here, whenever I return.
When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James, and Salome, bought spices, so that they might come and anoint Him. (Mark 16:1)
I press my face against the pink, veined marble slab, smeared with a fragrant oil that lingers on my neck and hands. As I push myself from the cold ground, a tension forms in my throat and my vision blurs, but I can’t explain why I’m crying.
Why do tears build above my lower lids, if I know that this rose-colored stone is not where Jesus’ body was washed and wrapped? If I know that this black sepulcher, whose ashy walls rise into the shadows of the ancient church, is not its final resting place?
Wandering through the empty darkness, I find the chapel of Mary Magdalene situated next to the sepulcher, where a small group of priests, nuns, and brown-clad monks chant the Latin Mass. The words are strange to my ear but the familiar intonation, which I haven’t heard in months, awakens the waters deep within the well of my chest and draws up buckets that slosh over my lap. So I sit in Mary’s pews, crying, not wanting to leave the tomb.
And Mary Magdalene was there, and the other Mary, sitting opposite the grave. (Matthew 27:61)
Days later, I wander through a garden, the purple light of dawn rising over the rock-hewn tomb, and the breeze gently tapping the trees’ leaves. I’ve imagined this place countless times before—even the red flowers that pop through the dirt and the boulders resting on their sides.
The worshippers packed in rows for the sunrise Easter service are only apparitions that float away like mist, and their loud songs of praise are muffled by the quiet coos of doves resting in the twisted arms of olive trees.
Like the woman with dark hair and a red shawl who waited in this garden many years ago, I too sit alone, waiting for a friend to call my name.
And just like he promised, there he is. On the stone steps, under the green branches that dip and bend.
He pulls me in, my face pressed into the crevice of his shoulder. Into the white, woven linen that smells of the oil I spread across the pink marble.
I am drawn in, sown in tightly like the threads that rub against my cheek. I wonder if this embrace has lasted for eternity, and then realize that eternity itself is this embrace.
When he steps away, and when the mist condenses into human forms once again, the scent of oil lingers in my hair.
I feel a flutter of white wings, splashing around in the waters of my chest. The wind slips across my neck and drags a trail of clear water down my face.
I now realize why I cried in the dark church. It’s because I, like Mary, desire to be close to Jesus.
And, I cry here, in the brightness of the sunrise, because I, like Mary, am so desired by God, and pulled into his warm embrace.
She turned around and saw Jesus there…[He] said to her, “Mary!” (John 20: 14, 16)
This piece describes my visits to the Church of the Holy Sepulchre and the Garden Tomb in Jerusalem, which are both considered potential sites for the Jesus’ burial and resurrection. My experience in the garden was shaped by my favorite resurrection account in the Gospel of John, which was read at the sunrise Easter service I attended there.
I would like to thank a Georgetown Jesuit who introduced me to this story, which has greatly shaped the way I approach my life with God.
Last Easter, which was coincidentally one year ago today, I wrote about Mary Magdalene as well. That reflection, Praying with Mary Magdalene, is closely linked to this one.